The "C" Word

Last year, on December 24th, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. You hear the word "cancer" all of the time, but I assure you it takes on a whole new meaning when it's used with a family members' name in the same sentence. At the time, I was 5 months pregnant with the girls. That day, as we went through the motions of the traditional "Noche Buena", there was a dark cloud in the room... it was the "C" word. We never really talked about it which is odd because in my family, we talk about EVERYTHING! I later found out that everyone purposely kept things from me to keep me from being stressed out. It's not easy incubating two human beings during the winter of the dreaded Swine Flu. But I remember standing in the shower Christmas morning, letting the water fall on me while I just cried . This was not any type of crying, friends. This was the type of crying you did only when you where a little kid and something catastrophic happened that made you feel like the world would never be the same again. I remember crying like this when TGIF was cancelled. What would I do without the Full House/ Family Matters combo on Friday nights? It's crying with complete abandonment.
As I cried in the shower that morning, I realized that if the "C" word got its way, my daughters would only hear about their "lita" in past tense, I would not have the best friend I had come to know in my adulthood, and the world would have lost one of the most faithful women to ever exist. Was this really happening to US?
The remainder of my pregnancy was not what I imagined it would be. I needed to be taken care of by my mom and she needed to be taken care of by me. Ironically, neither one of us where in any condition to be taking care of anyone! In all reality, the one taking care of us ALL was God, though at the time it seemed like he was hiding.It is because of Him, though, that we can look forward to the upcoming holiday season with the confidence to say that my mother is cancer free.
We celebrated my mom's victory over the "C" word through the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk last month. But as I looked around at the friends and family that had gathered in support of Team "Lita", I realized something important. We were not just celebrating the strength of my mother as an individual (although she never showed a moment of weakness throughout her treatment), but we were celebrating the family that God had somehow created while we were busy worrying. There stood my oldest brother Raul, his wife Rachel (who by now had become more of a big sister to me) and baby Noah- the nephew we had waited for for so long. Next to them was my brother Roly and his new wife Mailin- the woman I always knew my brother deserved. Then there was Geoff and I with Chloe and Olivia. How had this family survived without their giggles and smiles for so long? Holding my mother's hand was my father. He had been by her side from day one, quietly keeping the family together as he always does.WE had not only survived, but thrived under circumstances that many families would crumble under.
So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the "C" word. Thank you for allowing us to learn that we are stronger than we ever imagined. That a family united is something to be reckoned with. That God's plan for our lives will overpower all logic, science and yes even the "C" word.

Ooooh! We're Halfway There! Wooah, Living on a Prayer!

I have to admit something. Every now and then I stop and I think to myself, "What was God thinking when he decided I should carry and raise twins?" I've literally NEVER in my life carried an infant much less changed a diaper. And the most experience I've had caring for children was when I was a little girl and I would put tissues on each of my stuffed animals before I went to bed so that they wouldn't get cold at night. (True story).You see, I was the youngest child in my family and so my job growing up was to be adorable, get spoiled and get my brothers in trouble as much as possible. So when I saw those two lima beans show up at that first ultrasound back in August of '09, I instantly hoped that all of those women who said that once you become a mom you just naturally "know" what to do were right. Otherwise, Geoff and I were going to have to sell our house and move in to my mothers house until the girls were old enough to fend for themselves!I had no idea how to be a mom. I don't know how to teach someone how to tie their shoe and I honestly don't know the lyrics to "I'm a Little Teapot".Thankfully, with a mixture of extensive research as well as that elusive "motherly instinct", I have finally and successfully reached the halfway mark to my first year as a mommy.
When sharing my experiences as a mother of twins, I've had people say to me "Wow! I could never do what you're doing!" Don't be fooled! I like to think of myself as a duck: calm, cool and collected above the surface but with my little feet treading water at 100 mph underneath. I think as a parent, you always second guess yourself. I always wonder if the air conditioner is too cold or if the girls are comfortable in their car seats. I go to sleep sometimes thinking I might've spent too much time with with Olivia that day and wonder if Chloe thinks I favor her sister. I even think about the possibility that one day they will hate their names and want to change them to something less common like Penelope or Pheobe. But as I sit here watching my girls sleep in their bouncy chairs on the night of their "half birthday", I think to myself " You done good, Grace Johnson. You done good!". The girls are happy, healthy and best of all- completely loved and adored by Geoff and I. Now I'm pretty sure we will make mistakes in the future as we've done in the past. For example-apparently, not having a clean diaper ready to go when changing a dirty one will lead to a doodie splatter effect on the wall that will force you to repaint that nursery wall in its entirety. But I can honestly say that Geoff and I have spent the majority of the past 6 months laughing at ourselves and each other. I laugh at him for playing the air trumpet every time the girls get sad-even in public. And he thinks I'm crazy for narrating everything through song like I'm starting in my own Broadway musical. (The girl's absolutely love the "we're going to change your stinky diaper" song- so the joke's on him!). The bottom line is this, God didn't chose me- he chose US. He chose us because we're a great team. I stay up late washing bottles and folding laundry and he wakes up early to give the girls their medicine and make their 6 AM bottle. He likes to child proof every corner of the house despite the fact that the girls are not yet crawling and I like to enhance their sense of individuality by allowing them to choose their outfits in the morning. (You do this by laying a few options out and letting them grab, kick or spit up on the outfit of their "choosing"). I freak out about using chemicals in the house and he runs out to get every non-chemical cleaner available in the market to replace our old stuff at 11 o'clock at night. He is the peanut to my jelly. The Batman to my Batgirl. The Ricky Ricardo to my Lucy. We are a team. So lately, I don't find myself wondering why God chose me, but rather thanking God for choosing US. No, we are not the perfect parents but we love those girls. And at the end of the day you have to just say, "Oh well, I'll just have to remember to put that diaper on tighter next time I'm wearing light khaki pants in a very public place.....".

Silver Linings

I find a lot of times that when Geoff and I tell people that we have twins, they look at us with pity in their eyes and say, "Wow! How do you guys do it?! You must NEVER sleep!". Or every now and again, someone will unoriginally say, " Well, you two must have your hands full all the time...literally! HA HA HA!".Despite what may seem like a perfectly normal response to someone stating that they have twins, I always find a bit of a morose undertone to their responses. It's as if Geoff and I have been infected with the Black Plague- though with a much cuter package. Or as if we've had to sit through a Hannah Montana concert with Justin Beiber as the opening act! It's two cute, adorable babies- not two cases of poison ivy in a difficult to reach area! The truth is, I don't know what it's like to only have one child. And so for Geoff and I, having our two daughters is as normal as Taco Tuesday. (Wait, not everyone eats Tacos every Tuesday??? Interesting.....) Now, don't get me wrong, there are certainly some days that are more challenging than others. For example, I wasn't thrilled the day Chloe and Olivia decided to have simultaneous blow-outs the size of the People's Republic of China just as we had run out of what seemed to be an endless supply of wipes from Costco. I also don't necessarily enjoy it when both Chloe and Olivia decide they're both going to go on a napping strike, only to have a meltdown so high pitched at night that all the dogs in the neighborhood come running to our front door. But to be perfectly honest, there is more good than bad in my day to day life.So for those of you who may secretly worry about our sanity , I have decided to write about just three of the many benefits of being parents to twins.

1. Free Entertainment: Now, I dont know if you've been to a toy store lately, but there are TONS of things out there for your child's entertainment. From rattles to stuffed animals that talk to giraffes that smell like vanilla! It can be completely overwhelming to think about what you should buy your baby that they won't be completely bored of in 3 minutes. For me, I simply place that girls on the floor or in their playpen and it is only a matter of minutes before they begin to "LOL". Now, sometimes Chloe tries to suck on Olivia's foot and occasionally Olivia climbs on top of Chloe, thereby creating a less than pleasant situation. But in general, the girls play with, hug and simply entertain each other long enough for me to wash bottles, do some laundry, or catch the last few minutes of Barefoot Contessa as she drenches something already delicious in chocolate ganache.

2. Instant Family: In the matter of two minutes (Chloe was born at 1:27 and Olivia at 1:28), we instantly went from a family of two to a family of four. For many people, this is the ideal number for a family. There are usually four chairs at a restaurant table, most Disney rides allow groups of four at a time, and most cars comfortably sit four passengers. The world is made for families of four. Now, I can go for extra credit in a few years and add another bundle of joy to the world or we can choose to call it quits with the two. Either way, we've done our part to ensure the continuation of the human species. You're welcome.

3. Innate Sharing Abilities: My girls don't know what it's like to be a single child. They shared a womb, share a room and have shared just about everything that I have deemed acceptable for them to share. (They DO have color coded pacifiers that they most certainly do NOT share. But that's just common sense and basic sanitation!). We've all seen that poor kid in pre-k that has no friends because he or she doesn't want to let anyone build a Lincoln Logs house with them. That poor child mistakingly thinks that the world revolves around them, because up to that point- it has! I see the way Chloe looks at Olivia with concern when she is crying or how Olivia laughs with delight when Chloe takes the toy she was playing with away only to stick it in her mouth. These girls will be great sharers one day which is one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Wait no, thats not it. It's one of the things you're supposed to know that you learned in Kindergarten? No, thats not it either. I'm not sure what book it came from but it's important, ok! After all, sharing IS caring!

Well there are an endless list of perks to being a mother of twins. So the next time you see Geoff and I, don't think "Poor them!". Think " how can I get myself invited to that delicious Taco Tuesday!"

I'm Not Ready

The date was March 18th. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready for a doctor's appointment because I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions all night. I was in my towel brushing my teeth when I felt my water break. I had been on bed rest for exactly one month and was told not to be on my feet too long or drive (not that I could reach the steering wheel at that point.) My husband was at work in the Keys and my parents had a lunch meeting that morning with friends. The first thing I thought was "I'm not ready!". I hadn't packed, the house was a mess and we hadn't put the girls' car seats in. More importantly at this moment, I had no ride to the hospital. Thank God my dad made it just in time, and I started to time my contractions. "Hmm.... they're about 2 minutes apart", I thought as we drove on the expressway. "That can't be good". The next few hours were a blur, partly because I was a nervous wreck and partly because I was heavily medicated. I remember sitting in the pre-op room with my husband and he would ask"how do you feel?". I just replied, "I'm not ready!". Then, the day after the girls were born, I walked into the NICU and saw these two tiny little human beings looking at me. I broke out into tears as it slowly sunk in that these two beautiful girls depended on me for everything. They trusted me to take care of them and protect them. Although I instantly fell in love with them, deep inside I could only think "I'm just not ready".
It seems like years since that all happened though it was only five months ago. With the help of family and friends who took shifts helping me until I felt comfortable as a mom, I have not only survived the past five months but truly enjoyed them. I loved waking the girls up and seeing them smile at me because they recognized me as their mommy. I loved the laughs that would erupt when I would blow kisses at them or lift them up in the air saying "BABY'S UP HIGH!!!". I loved the way Chloe would hold my finger when she took her bottle or how Olivia would try to keep her eyes open even though she was tired because she didn't want to miss a thing. Now that my time as a stay at home mom is up, these are the things that I am going to miss. And when I think about having to go back to work tomorrow, I just keep thinking "I'm not ready".I don't think a woman is ever ready to go back to work regardless of how much time she stayed with her newborn child. If I waited a year, would it be less painful? No, probably not. But still, I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to give up being a stay at home mom though my title as a full time mom will stay the same. Because once you become a parent, you realize that there in no breaking away from that title. You can't take the day off or call out because you're sick. You're a parent because you love your child- every second of every day. So I'll try to take this change with grace because it's what's best for my girls. But if you ask me if Im ready to leave my girls, my answer continues to be "No, I'm not ready....."

The End of an Era

Tonight was the end of an era. The day I had been dreading since we first brought the girls home has arrived.... time to move the girls into their cribs! Now some of your are probably gasping in horror wondering where the girls have slept up till now. No need to call DCF, they were safely cradled in their bassinets that were conveniently located at our bedside.There was one next to Geoff and one next to me. We call this "Man on Man Defense. You see, this was the perfect set up because at the end of the night, we were left with a very important decision to make- which side of the bed should I sleep on? Regardless of the circumstance, if the baby that slept on your side should decide to wake up, it was YOUR responsibility to wake up and "HUSHHHHHHHHHH", rock, or shamelessly beg that baby to sleep. (On a side note, Chloe has the incredible talent of knowing when you are standing up and rocking versus sitting down and rocking. She, for one, prefers you stand. This leaves one with little choice but to learn how to sleep while standing up.) Now, there are not too many advantages to having premature babies, but I figured that since they were born at 4 lbs. each, this would give me ample time to keep them in their bassinets that hold up to 15 lbs. This would give me an extended amount of time to listen to their breathing, stare in awe at their cuteness,or simply know that my babies are close by while they sleep. (As I typed that last line, I could almost imagine all of the fathers reading this blog rolling their eyes while all of the mothers nodded their heads in agreement, sympathizing with my pain and agony.) So anyway, both girls have made astonishing gains since their days in the NICU and unfortunately have outgrown their bassinets. So today, for the first time ever, they are sleeping in their cribs. As I walked away from that room, I shed a few tears knowing that my little babies are not so little anymore. My husband just smiled- probably a little relieved that he no longer had to put so much thought into which side of the bed he should collapse on. As for me, all I could think of is how sad it will be to see those bassinets empty when I go to bed tonight. Lord, give me the strength NOT to blow up the air mattress and sleep on the nursery floor.....

Welcome to the Johnson Twin blog!

I had intended to start "blogging" back when I was pregnant as a way of journaling the experience of carrying twins. Somehow, the 50 pounds of extra weight (most of which was on my ankles) was not as inspiring as I thought it would be in terms of writing. Plus, had I described my experience as a soon-to-be mom of twins, I imagine many women would think twice about procreating-which is NOT my intention. Then, when my beautiful girls were born on March 18th,2010, I foolishly thought that I would have the time to write about my life as a new mommy-perhaps when they napped. I quickly became enveloped in a world of dirty diapers, bottles with too many pieces to wash and obsessive charting of every movement and bodily function my daughters had. So, it took a bit longer than I had originally thought, but now that the girls are almost 5 months old, I can say that there is no such thing as "extra time". However, if I don't MAKE the time to document this awesome experience, I know I will regret in in the future. So I hope that through this blog I can share my thoughts and experiences of being a mommy of twins. But not just ANY twins... the BEST twins in the world!