I'm Not Ready

The date was March 18th. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready for a doctor's appointment because I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions all night. I was in my towel brushing my teeth when I felt my water break. I had been on bed rest for exactly one month and was told not to be on my feet too long or drive (not that I could reach the steering wheel at that point.) My husband was at work in the Keys and my parents had a lunch meeting that morning with friends. The first thing I thought was "I'm not ready!". I hadn't packed, the house was a mess and we hadn't put the girls' car seats in. More importantly at this moment, I had no ride to the hospital. Thank God my dad made it just in time, and I started to time my contractions. "Hmm.... they're about 2 minutes apart", I thought as we drove on the expressway. "That can't be good". The next few hours were a blur, partly because I was a nervous wreck and partly because I was heavily medicated. I remember sitting in the pre-op room with my husband and he would ask"how do you feel?". I just replied, "I'm not ready!". Then, the day after the girls were born, I walked into the NICU and saw these two tiny little human beings looking at me. I broke out into tears as it slowly sunk in that these two beautiful girls depended on me for everything. They trusted me to take care of them and protect them. Although I instantly fell in love with them, deep inside I could only think "I'm just not ready".
It seems like years since that all happened though it was only five months ago. With the help of family and friends who took shifts helping me until I felt comfortable as a mom, I have not only survived the past five months but truly enjoyed them. I loved waking the girls up and seeing them smile at me because they recognized me as their mommy. I loved the laughs that would erupt when I would blow kisses at them or lift them up in the air saying "BABY'S UP HIGH!!!". I loved the way Chloe would hold my finger when she took her bottle or how Olivia would try to keep her eyes open even though she was tired because she didn't want to miss a thing. Now that my time as a stay at home mom is up, these are the things that I am going to miss. And when I think about having to go back to work tomorrow, I just keep thinking "I'm not ready".I don't think a woman is ever ready to go back to work regardless of how much time she stayed with her newborn child. If I waited a year, would it be less painful? No, probably not. But still, I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to give up being a stay at home mom though my title as a full time mom will stay the same. Because once you become a parent, you realize that there in no breaking away from that title. You can't take the day off or call out because you're sick. You're a parent because you love your child- every second of every day. So I'll try to take this change with grace because it's what's best for my girls. But if you ask me if Im ready to leave my girls, my answer continues to be "No, I'm not ready....."