I'm Not Ready

The date was March 18th. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready for a doctor's appointment because I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions all night. I was in my towel brushing my teeth when I felt my water break. I had been on bed rest for exactly one month and was told not to be on my feet too long or drive (not that I could reach the steering wheel at that point.) My husband was at work in the Keys and my parents had a lunch meeting that morning with friends. The first thing I thought was "I'm not ready!". I hadn't packed, the house was a mess and we hadn't put the girls' car seats in. More importantly at this moment, I had no ride to the hospital. Thank God my dad made it just in time, and I started to time my contractions. "Hmm.... they're about 2 minutes apart", I thought as we drove on the expressway. "That can't be good". The next few hours were a blur, partly because I was a nervous wreck and partly because I was heavily medicated. I remember sitting in the pre-op room with my husband and he would ask"how do you feel?". I just replied, "I'm not ready!". Then, the day after the girls were born, I walked into the NICU and saw these two tiny little human beings looking at me. I broke out into tears as it slowly sunk in that these two beautiful girls depended on me for everything. They trusted me to take care of them and protect them. Although I instantly fell in love with them, deep inside I could only think "I'm just not ready".
It seems like years since that all happened though it was only five months ago. With the help of family and friends who took shifts helping me until I felt comfortable as a mom, I have not only survived the past five months but truly enjoyed them. I loved waking the girls up and seeing them smile at me because they recognized me as their mommy. I loved the laughs that would erupt when I would blow kisses at them or lift them up in the air saying "BABY'S UP HIGH!!!". I loved the way Chloe would hold my finger when she took her bottle or how Olivia would try to keep her eyes open even though she was tired because she didn't want to miss a thing. Now that my time as a stay at home mom is up, these are the things that I am going to miss. And when I think about having to go back to work tomorrow, I just keep thinking "I'm not ready".I don't think a woman is ever ready to go back to work regardless of how much time she stayed with her newborn child. If I waited a year, would it be less painful? No, probably not. But still, I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to give up being a stay at home mom though my title as a full time mom will stay the same. Because once you become a parent, you realize that there in no breaking away from that title. You can't take the day off or call out because you're sick. You're a parent because you love your child- every second of every day. So I'll try to take this change with grace because it's what's best for my girls. But if you ask me if Im ready to leave my girls, my answer continues to be "No, I'm not ready....."

The End of an Era

Tonight was the end of an era. The day I had been dreading since we first brought the girls home has arrived.... time to move the girls into their cribs! Now some of your are probably gasping in horror wondering where the girls have slept up till now. No need to call DCF, they were safely cradled in their bassinets that were conveniently located at our bedside.There was one next to Geoff and one next to me. We call this "Man on Man Defense. You see, this was the perfect set up because at the end of the night, we were left with a very important decision to make- which side of the bed should I sleep on? Regardless of the circumstance, if the baby that slept on your side should decide to wake up, it was YOUR responsibility to wake up and "HUSHHHHHHHHHH", rock, or shamelessly beg that baby to sleep. (On a side note, Chloe has the incredible talent of knowing when you are standing up and rocking versus sitting down and rocking. She, for one, prefers you stand. This leaves one with little choice but to learn how to sleep while standing up.) Now, there are not too many advantages to having premature babies, but I figured that since they were born at 4 lbs. each, this would give me ample time to keep them in their bassinets that hold up to 15 lbs. This would give me an extended amount of time to listen to their breathing, stare in awe at their cuteness,or simply know that my babies are close by while they sleep. (As I typed that last line, I could almost imagine all of the fathers reading this blog rolling their eyes while all of the mothers nodded their heads in agreement, sympathizing with my pain and agony.) So anyway, both girls have made astonishing gains since their days in the NICU and unfortunately have outgrown their bassinets. So today, for the first time ever, they are sleeping in their cribs. As I walked away from that room, I shed a few tears knowing that my little babies are not so little anymore. My husband just smiled- probably a little relieved that he no longer had to put so much thought into which side of the bed he should collapse on. As for me, all I could think of is how sad it will be to see those bassinets empty when I go to bed tonight. Lord, give me the strength NOT to blow up the air mattress and sleep on the nursery floor.....

Welcome to the Johnson Twin blog!

I had intended to start "blogging" back when I was pregnant as a way of journaling the experience of carrying twins. Somehow, the 50 pounds of extra weight (most of which was on my ankles) was not as inspiring as I thought it would be in terms of writing. Plus, had I described my experience as a soon-to-be mom of twins, I imagine many women would think twice about procreating-which is NOT my intention. Then, when my beautiful girls were born on March 18th,2010, I foolishly thought that I would have the time to write about my life as a new mommy-perhaps when they napped. I quickly became enveloped in a world of dirty diapers, bottles with too many pieces to wash and obsessive charting of every movement and bodily function my daughters had. So, it took a bit longer than I had originally thought, but now that the girls are almost 5 months old, I can say that there is no such thing as "extra time". However, if I don't MAKE the time to document this awesome experience, I know I will regret in in the future. So I hope that through this blog I can share my thoughts and experiences of being a mommy of twins. But not just ANY twins... the BEST twins in the world!